Toxic Cooking Show
Misogyny, $800 first dates, simps, and high-value women: Social media has been busy cooking up and feeding us an addictive but toxic slurry of trends over the past few years. Here at The Toxic Cooking Show we're two friends dedicated to breaking down these trends, terms, and taunts into their simplest ingredients to understand where they came from and how they affect our lives. Join us each week as we ponder and discuss charged topics like personal responsibility and "not all men" before placing them on our magical Scale O' ToxicityAny comments or topics you want to hear about write to us at toxic@awesomelifeskills.com
Toxic Cooking Show
What's The Deal With Therapy Speak?
Ever wonder why words like "trauma" and "triggering" seem to pop up everywhere online, often in ways that don't quite make sense? On the Toxic Cooking Show, we unravel the digital misuse of therapeutic language Lindsay McClain and co-host Christopher Patchet, LCSW. Together, promise to clarify these buzzwords, exploring how their meanings have shifted from professional therapy settings to casual internet chatter, a phenomenon we call "context creep." By the end of our chat, you'll have a much clearer understanding of these terms and their rightful place in mental health conversations.
Join us on an emotional journey as we break down the spectrum of human feelings, from everyday encounters to life-changing events like a lottery win. We dig into the controversial topic of trigger warnings, challenging common perceptions and sharing insights from studies that suggest these warnings might not be as helpful as they seem. Instead of simply labeling experiences, we advocate for a nuanced understanding of emotional responses, emphasizing the importance of acknowledging the full range of human emotions without jumping to conclusions.
Boundaries are more than just buzzwords; they're essential for healthy relationships and personal growth. In our discussion, we navigate the tricky waters of boundary-setting, illustrating the fine line between control and self-care. From Jonah Hill's infamous boundary-setting in past relationships to the complex trauma narratives proliferating on social media, Christopher and I encourage listeners to question and understand the true meaning of these terms, pushing for personal accountability and informed mental health communication. Prepare to rethink what you know about therapy speak and come away with a fresh perspective on how we talk about mental health in the digital age.
Hi and welcome to the Toxic Cooking Show, where we break down toxic people into their simplest ingredients. I'm your host for this week, lindsay McLean, and with me is my fantastic co-host.
Speaker 2:Christopher Hatchett, LCSW.
Speaker 1:As a therapist. Had you ever heard of the word therapy speak before I mentioned it to you?
Speaker 2:Therapy speak. I've heard of therapy jargon, you know which is basically therapy speak okay.
Speaker 1:So it's like when people are using therapy words outside of a therapy setting, would that be therapy jargon?
Speaker 2:yeah okay, if I were to talk to you about, like family dynamics and and family, family systems and things like that. Chances are, you don't need to know the ins and outs of everything during the session.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Just the main points to to kind of get the point across, and a lot of times we'll just kind of like bring it into language that anybody can understand.
Speaker 1:Okay, so therapy speak is actually different than than therapy jargon. So therapy speak is when people are taking terms that are typically used in a therapeutic setting and they are using them outside of that. And at this point, therapy speak also usually means that they are misusing them, at least a little bit. It's not just like oh hey, I heard my therapist talk about this and mention this word, and like I'm going to tell you about it. It's the oh, I've heard this from therapy. And at this point, it's not even people themselves going to therapy and coming out with it. These terms have escaped the bounds of therapy and are being completely misused across the internet, as the internet likes to do, because we've talked about this with gaslighting.
Speaker 2:Internet using terms incorrectly. What no?
Speaker 1:No, they would never. But yeah, like gaslighting is one of those that you pointed out back in the day a year ago when we recorded that one. That was a term that you see, used a lot on the internet but being used completely in the wrong way. Same thing for love bombing. We'll talk about narcissism at some point. These are all terms that have a real meaning that you might go to therapy for or that you might talk with your therapist about. But the internet was like no wrong, I have something better that this can be used for, better that this can be used for.
Speaker 1:So you also do see this term kind of in connection with, like context creep, and that's where you have a word or a term that over time, starts to become or mean something bigger. So, for instance, it's a normal thing to kind of have happen. So, for instance, it's a normal thing to kind of have happen that you have a word, a term, a phrase that means one thing and over time, like that meaning kind of expands or it starts to mean something slightly different. I mean this is completely unrelated to therapy, speak, but think about the word gay. Like gay used to mean, you know, happy and joyful and fun, and they're actually the place where I used to work at a summer camp. There was another camp near us that used to be called Camp Gay Valley and they had to change their name apparently at one point because they were getting a lot of gay couples, and this was back in the day truly back in the day, not last year.
Speaker 1:That were calling and being like hey, we're interested. And they're like this is a camp for kids, this is the 80s. Like absolutely the fuck not.
Speaker 2:So there was a university not that far from us, so Arcadia University. I'm sure you heard of it, you know, since we both went to Temple.
Speaker 1:University.
Speaker 2:So Arcadia University actually used to be called Beaver College. Oh, which was fun and dandy back in the day, uh-huh, um, but the thing that the main reason why they had to change it was the internet.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So parents wanting to send their kids to, uh, you know, beaver university, you know? And being like what the fuck is this university all about?
Speaker 1:oh, oh no, but those are both like classic examples of how, like, words change meaning over time. What used to be an okay thing and everyone understood what you meant by it, like now has a very different meaning, and we all know that. We're reading a book that, like you know, if you're reading shakespeare and he uses the word gay, he doesn't mean like gay, he means, you know, happy and fun and all of that, and same thing for me. But you can, within context, we still understand it. But, yeah, sometimes you're just like, oops, let's change it. So I have prepared three of the worst offenders for you today. About therapy speak there, there are a lot, there are so many out there you, you didn't mention one.
Speaker 1:oh, my god, I cannot wait to get to that one, but I I'm definitely wanting to hear the, to hear the other main offenders that you've noticed daily basis on the internet and that I have actually had people either use directly on me or I have like seen them use on people around me, and when I say use, I mean use absolutely incorrectly, like 101% wrong. These are so so common, so common, so we'll start off with like triggering, triggered trigger warning. Oh my God, In therapy, from what I understand, triggering is something. If something triggers you, it's something that upsets or frightens you because it reminds you of a bad past event. Is that correct?
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Okay. On the internet it's anything that makes you uncomfortable, Anything You're triggering me right now it's.
Speaker 2:So, and we'll definitely kind of go into this a little bit more by like yeah, there is okay, anything could trigger a person, but the emotions of being uncomfortable are not a trigger, necessarily a trigger.
Speaker 1:Right, and that makes sense. And I think that, for all of these, to me these all have a firm but kind of fuzzy line as to what exactly is a trigger, because something that's triggering for you may not be triggering for me, and that's okay. We don't all have to be triggered by the same thing. But I think what the internet has completely misunderstood is that it took this term. It's like, hey, this thing is happening, and when it happened before, something really terrible happened to me, and so I'm like, oh fuck, I don't like this. And now I'm in a panic mode and it's just downgraded that eight levels and it's like I don't like this thing, I'm feeling triggered, I'm feeling upset, I'm feeling scared, like I don't like this, you're triggering me right now. And so it's used as like a way to completely shut down the conversation, to be like I'm just feeling really triggered. We can't talk about this, you can't do that. You're triggering me right now. Oh my God, we can't talk about this, you can't. You can't do that, you're triggering me right now.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, this is something like I I I've sent to you once before and and you actually helped me out on this one is, um, when I made that chart that I can send to my clients.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, the the one on the motions.
Speaker 2:Right, exactly, and and one of the things that I I've kind of noticed, and one of the big reasons why I did make that chart, was because of the fact that I'll I'll hear something along the lines of like, oh my God, you know, my wife came home late and she really pissed me off, you know, and it's like, okay, well, let, let, let's, let's take a step back. Did she like really piss you off? Yeah, she totally pissed me off. Okay, so you were, you were angry and you were yelling and screaming and there was a giant. No, I mean, you know, she didn't, you know like I wasn't yelling or anything like that, but I was like, so I mean, would you say that you were more, you know like, frustrated? Or yeah, you know it's, it's annoying, it's frustrating. I'm like, okay, there is a or yeah, you know it's, it's annoying, it's frustrating. I'm like, okay, there is a difference between being, you know, pissed off and being frustrated.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I think a lot of these that's what they're missing is that slight little nuance. To be like this is something that, like you know, maybe this has happened to me in the past and I didn't like it and I see it happen again. I'm like, I don't like this situation, I'm uncomfortable, I'm not happy, I'm peeved, I'm anxious, but I'm not triggered. That's, that's up here. We're down here at this little bottom level.
Speaker 2:One of the things I kind of tell to people is like you know, like we, we constantly, we we recognize things as either being neutral or being at level 10 yeah, but we forget, like all those other levels so like. One example that I always say is that if you're at work and a co-worker comes in and says, you know, like hey, you know, I stopped at Dunkin' Donuts, and then you know I got you a cup of coffee, that is a level of happiness. Oh, thank you. You know, that was very nice of you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's probably not a level 10 happiness.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know you're not going to be there. You're like holy shit.
Speaker 2:This is the greatest fucking day, you know? And and the thing is, is that same thing with, like, you know, if you won the 100 million dollar lottery ticket, you're not gonna be sitting there and be like, huh, that's nice cool, you know. So, like, yeah, there's gonna be absolutely different levels of these things and it's it's still falling within the, the range of happiness. Yeah, it's just that you know the the hundred million dollar lottery ticket is not going to be a level one, and your co-worker giving you a cup of coffee is not going to be like level 10.
Speaker 1:Yeah, just broaden your vocabulary, kids. It's partially what it comes down to. So, also in connection with triggering being triggered, all that are trigger warnings. I'm sure you've come across this on the internet or in readings, where people may write like a capital TW before their post or something and then mention like blood, gore, sexual assault, something like that. The concept of the trigger warning is to warn people about potentially upsetting material. You know you might be seeing something that you're like oh I really don't like that. That could trigger you. Hence the name.
Speaker 1:A lot of people really dislike these because it's something that, you know, liberal snowflakes came up with back in my day. We just read the book, we didn't complain about it, type thing. But I will say that there have been studies that were done on this.
Speaker 2:Okay, I'm interested to hearing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I wasn't expecting quite the results from this, but studies show that trigger warnings don't mitigate distress. On average, when study participants didn't have a trigger warning, they chose to view the content anyway, not knowing if it had something potentially triggering in it or not, and they didn't feel triggered by it. But when warnings were in place, people had a quote like anticipatory emotional response, but they often still chose to view the content anyway, at least within the study. But they often still chose to view the content anyway, at least within the study. But they had this response ahead of time by seeing that, because now you know that this thing is in there and so now you may actually be feeling more anxious going into it. But in the end there wasn't a big difference in emotional experience between those who were forewarned and those who weren't.
Speaker 2:So I'm kind of curious if, in the scientific studies, if it was like trigger warning, we will be talking about sexual assault versus trigger warning.
Speaker 1:Exactly and within this study that was done. I didn't see examples. They didn't show examples of what they were talking about. They also didn't mention if you know anyone in the group, if they specifically chosen them. I'm assuming, as a result, that they didn't, because that might be unethical to be like hey, have you ever had sexual assault? Do you want to take part in my study? You've experienced it. Yeah, come into this room right here. That might be a little unethical to put people in that situation and then have them read something that mentioned sexual assault, rape, whatever, or the trigger warning. So I don't think this is the perfect study, but I do think it's a start to kind of say that it may not be as important to put trigger warnings on everything as I think a lot of people have started to do. It's just like everything gets a trigger warning Everything.
Speaker 2:I'm thinking to myself I can watch pretty much anything, um, but like, so like the one thing is is, like you, I can watch horror movies.
Speaker 1:You love horror movies?
Speaker 2:I love horror movies and I can, I can watch. I'm sure you I'm well, being where you are You've seen the movie or at least heard of the movie hostile. Yes, at least heard of the movie Hostel. Yes, and so the entire movie is Americans who are going out to God knows where and they go to a hostel that kidnaps them, and then it turns out to be like a torture, like people are paying to torture other humans.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I can sit there throughout the entire movie and watch you know people being, you know cut up and things like that, but I refuse to watch marley and me ah, yes, I can see why because you know like not the pet you, you know, you, you, you can. You can kill off 50 000 humans, but if you scratch a fucking dog, I'm like oh my god, no, no, no right, we, we have boundaries for some of these things so just because of the fact that I know the ending of Marley and Me, I refuse to watch it.
Speaker 2:So I would think that if I knew that there was going to be animal abuse in this video, like trigger warning graphic videos of dog abuse, I'm going to be like nope.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm going to skip that one. Like, nope, yeah, I'm gonna skip that one. Yeah, I think it just kind of opens up the the possibility to say that maybe we don't need trigger warnings on everything that should be pulled back and kind of like, with being triggered, pick the things that are really really triggering animal abuse, rape, you know, and you know, maybe sexual assault does fall into that too that you're like this is something that should be, that's probably something that should be studied as well to like which are the ones that people may have an actual reaction to. But I have seen people demand to have trigger warnings on more things. It's like, oh, this needed the trigger warning.
Speaker 1:Or to, you know, there've been discussions in schools about like this book needs a trigger warning, this book needs to talk about this. It's like you have never experienced that you are not coming to the table as a survivor of of torture, you know, saying, hey, I don't want to read a book that has torture in it because of what I physically myself went through. You know, in that case I think people will be like, oh damn, respect. Okay, maybe we don't need to have this in here, but in general there's just a weird kind of push between you know, gen Z is a lot of it.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to blame them for this, but I will say that they're kind of the ones that are really pushing this from what I see on the internet to say everything needs a trigger warning. And it has a trigger warning. Like I don't want to, I'm not going to read books to have this, this, this, this and this in them. And on the other hand, on the other side, other hand teachers pushing back and being like well, this is classic literature, you must read it. Like surely we can find a happy medium. Just because it's classic literature doesn't mean it's not shit.
Speaker 2:You know the and again, the thing about you know what I was kind of saying earlier is that anything can be a trigger. Warning or a trigger. Yeah, you know it's.
Speaker 1:So when you feel triggered by something, you may fall into trap number two, and that is demanding that somebody or something have boundaries. You are setting your boundaries.
Speaker 2:This is one I definitely love.
Speaker 1:Oh, I fucking hate this one. So in therapy, from what I understand, setting boundaries is setting a limit for what is and isn't appropriate behavior in terms of what you will tolerate. Mother-in-law keep calling me 16 times a day and demanding that I do this and like trying to run my household, and I'm setting a boundary that, like this is my household, we're not going to do this anymore and if you keep doing this, I may you know I'm going to block your number or something like that. Would that be kind of a correct use of setting boundaries?
Speaker 2:kind of a correct use of setting boundaries. So that is a very difficult one to, because so there was a thing that jonah hill where he had mentioned about that or so an ex-girlfriend of jonah hill's I had mentioned about how jonah hill was, uh, making demands that she go to the beach, that she had to wear, like you know, basically covering her entire body, like she went to.
Speaker 1:She was a surfer right, I remember this yeah yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So, like you know, this was something that she was doing prior to them dating. And then, all of a sudden, he was like you know, like hey, like you know, like I don't want your body exposed, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Right. And so people like jumped on them and said, like hey, like you know, like dude, you can't fucking do that. Like you know, like you're a controlling asshole, yeah. And then he came back with I don't know why you're so mad at me, I'm just setting boundaries.
Speaker 1:This is exactly what I hate about this fucking phrase is that people use it like that. They use it to justify refusing to do anything they don't want to do. Anything I don't want to do. It's setting boundaries. You need to respect my boundaries. Okay, it's like you don't want to do it.
Speaker 2:Just say that and you know so. If your boundary is that you? Want a very conservative girl, like, okay, fine, you know, find yourself a conservative girl, but you know you can't sit there and try to change somebody.
Speaker 1:And you also have to accept that if you set a boundary, that may have future consequences. I mean, I saw this. So I have a friend who she, with permission, I'm sharing this story because I know it was a stressful moment, to say the least, for her. She was going to visit her sister and she has a young child. And right before they went the sister apparently was just like hey, so like when you come, I've got like a really small apartment and stuff, so like you can't have a mess, you can't be leaving a mess here, like I don't want toys and stuff, so like you can't have a mess, you can't be leaving a mess here, like I don't want toys and stuff around, like I can't deal with that and you need to respect my boundaries. And so my friend was like then I'm coming with a small child.
Speaker 1:If that is going to be a problem because it will be I can tell you right now children have toys and diapers and clothing and things like that that comes with them. If this is going to be a problem, we can't stay with you and that may mean that we can't come visit, because I wasn't expecting to have to pay for a hotel room and you're the only person I know in this city and her sister just threw this massive fit and was like you need to respect my boundaries. She is respecting your boundaries. You had a kind of bizarre boundary, but okay, that's fine, that's your boundary, but you don't get to have your cake and eat it too.
Speaker 2:And that's kind of the thing is like okay, you know, the, the, the friend, okay, if she wants to create that boundary of like no toys and things like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, but that's fine for you to have that boundary.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But at the same time don't expect anybody to cater. You know, and that's kind of the thing is that you know that's one of the things of a boundary is that you're putting the ball in the other person's court.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So you know, if, if let's say well, no matter what side of the fence that you're on politically, that you know a lot of families, especially over the holidays, say, you know political talk yeah thanksgiving like I don't care if you're democrat, I don't care if you're republican. No talks about political yeah okay. So if the person who is hosting now let's say thanksgiving or whatever, makes that boundary cool, they're setting that boundary that in this house there's not going to be any political, you know, talks or anything like that yeah and you're putting the ball into the other, the other person's court.
Speaker 2:So boundary is saying there is no political talking in this house. If you want to, you're not going to be welcomed here for Thanksgiving. So again, you're putting the ball into the other person's court. If they so badly have to talk about Trump or Harris or Biden or whatever, cool, but you already know you're out that door.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I see this first one a lot with the completely misunderstanding of what are setting boundaries. What's the point of setting a boundary? And then a close second behind are the people who completely misunderstand how that has an effect on them. If you set this boundary, the other person can say okay and walk away, and you don't get to be like, no, you have to come back and do what I said. I actually don't get to be like, no, you have to come back and do what I said. No, I actually don't. And that doesn't make me a toxic person for saying I'm not dealing with this Because you could, like in the instance that you gave, I would imagine that you know properly setting boundaries.
Speaker 1:The person says, hey, if you're coming to my house on Thanksgiving, we ain't discussing politics Like I don't want that in this house. I know we have different views, A lot of people coming over. If you discuss it like I'm kicking you out, you could choose to be like I want so badly to say shit about insert name here, Then don't go, you, you actually can do that.
Speaker 2:And and once that boundary is set, if you do go and you are talking about insert name here, then that person has every right to say hey look, I said no political talk here, and if anybody started doing political talk, you need to go.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no one can get mad about that, except they do, because people don't like being told. And again, this setting boundaries is such a a nebulous thing. And then the third way that I see this so badly misused is have you ever seen the term? I need to protect my peace yes, I, I've seen that I just want to burn down the internet.
Speaker 1:Every time I see somebody use that. That is a form of like I'm setting boundaries, like I'm not going to talk to you because you're being toxic right now. This is a toxic situation. It's usually in combination with calling something toxic. They're like I'm setting boundaries, I need to protect my peace. No-transcript. So give me an example of that. I mean so. For instance, we're at a family dinner and the host has not said we can't discuss politics, and so we get into a political spat about policy or candidates or something like that, and I insult you, the, the trump lover, and I'm like well, anyone who voted for trump, probably flunked out of high school, is a fucking idiot. Like is married to their cousin at least. Like it's probably the third cousin cousin marriage. Like there was a first cousin marriage, a second cousin marriage, a third cousin marriage.
Speaker 1:You know they're like completely insulting you, like all the nasty things, and then you're like yo, what the fuck? I have seen people in that instance kind of be like no, I'm gonna set this boundary right here. Like you know, I need to protect my peace. These are my opinions. I'm allowed to have my opinions. I'm setting this boundary that, like you know, know, you're not allowed to talk. You just called me a fucking idiot.
Speaker 2:You don't get to then hide and be like I'm just a baby. Yeah, yeah, okay. So so, basically, the the person who is making all the insults and when the, the other person who's been assaulted is like you know, like what the fuck? Oh, no, no, no, no. We are dropping this because I want to protect my peace.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because I'm setting this boundary that like you know you don't get to talk to me like that. You know you're now like shouting and you're doing all this and that's crazy. And like you're doing all this and that's crazy. And like you're telling all these people that I said nasty things and like I'm cutting you out. I'm setting this boundary. Fuck around and find out if you really strongly believe that about the person. Stand by and be like yeah, I said that you know so.
Speaker 2:So a boundary is a boundary for a reason um, you can't set up a boundary only for your convenience, exactly like when I think of a boundary, you know I think of, like the boundary of this room you know, I can slam myself into the wall as many times as humanly possible, but I'm not going to be able to break that boundary.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and same thing for the person who's outside. They can smash your head against the outside of the wall and the boundary is there for a reason, yeah, so yeah, you can't go off saying this whole like horrible thing to somebody else. If you're saying that this is my boundary, that I don't want to have like this giant name calling debate and that's my boundary, okay, fine, that's your boundary, then don't start but don't, don't be name calling and then say that's it.
Speaker 2:I've said everything about bad about you. Now you can't say anything bad about me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're getting out of control right now. You started it. Maybe the other person is, but like, yeah, you got to. Boundaries need to be clear. I see boundaries kind of as like little bubbles that people are trying to make their bubble like smaller and smaller and smaller to include fewer and fewer people until it's just them making all the rules, and that is not a good way to go through life.
Speaker 2:I mean, yeah, I mean I think that if you are making that many boundaries, then, yeah, you're going to limit the amount of people that are in your social settings. Yeah, that's going to cause isolation and a lot that are in your social settings.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's going to cause isolation and a lot of other like mental health problems and these people get an instagram post about you know, oh, I'm, I'm taking time for me to be me like shut up. You pissed off all your friends. No one wants to talk to you anymore. So for our third and final, I hope you're ready. Looking forward Trauma oh boy.
Speaker 2:Oh trauma.
Speaker 1:Trauma, trauma, trauma. So I will say I have seen people start to deal with this one and talking about trauma with a capital T and trauma with a lowercase T. Have you?
Speaker 2:seen that differentiation, thank God, no Okay.
Speaker 1:Trauma with a capital T is real trauma. I hate to phrase it like that, but it's what we think of as actual trauma. So an emotional response to a terrible event usually it looks like it needs to be sort of life-threatening, like an accident, crime, natural disaster, something really, really, really terrible is trauma in the therapy setting that you survived on the internet. It's something I didn't like happened and I didn't get over it. They're the same. How does that make you feel so?
Speaker 2:and then I'm going to be doing an episode about this next. But yes, I think that when, when you talk about like, trauma, like and and I think you know, just to kind of give you a preview of next week's episode people, people using the term like, oh my god, like you know, like when, when johnny hurt me, like I, I, I just it's pts. I have PTSD from when Johnny Football Player, like you know, like dumped me and it's like you were hurt. Yeah, you know. Yeah, you might have some difficulties with it, but it's not PTSD, you know Right, ptsd, you know Right. So, but the thing is, it's very, very, you know, ptsd is very, very hard to say what exactly causes it. Because, yeah, you know, like somebody could possibly have PTSD from Johnny, from johnny football player, jumping them, sure, but there is a whole guide of what ptsd is, saying something along the lines of like, well, ever since johnny football player, uh, dumped me, like you know, like I, I, just I, I can't deal with, you know, being lied to.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Okay, that's great, but that's not PTSD.
Speaker 1:No, no, no, no, and it's you know. I think you could argue that it's on the scale of PTSD, where it's like you know, PTSD from war or childhood abuse and like all of that. That's the real PTSD up here. But way down on the scale where it no longer qualifies as PTSD but like it's still still in the same bracket. I think you could potentially say like, yeah, my, my ex lied to me and my ex lied to me for years and years and years about stuff, and so now I've got trust issues and so every time I feel like you might be lying to me, I panic and I do something. It's like it's again. It's in the same like chunk, but it's maybe not the same as I went through a war.
Speaker 2:And again, this, this definitely is going to be coming up next week but like sorry but, but you know, so there are.
Speaker 2:You know we follow, uh, you know, dsm diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders. Uh, there are. You know, certain things that we have to look for. So, okay, she might be hypervigilant and looking for lies and things like that Okay, that's one thing, but you have to match so many things in order to actually be diagnosed with PTSD. So, okay, you have hypervigilance Great, but you are not having these intrusive thoughts, you are not having avoidance and things like that. So you have one thing, but you need to match these at least three other things in this cluster and certain things in this cluster.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that all just gets like taken out on the internet, both for PTSD and just for like trauma in general, that there may be kind of this level that you have to achieve and I don't know what the DSM says about trauma have to achieve and I don't know what the DSM says about trauma Like, if there's a specific diagnosis of trauma, I assume that that would be PTSD, but the internet likes the word trauma and PTSD.
Speaker 2:And again that's actually in the DSM is defining what trauma actually is.
Speaker 1:Yeah, see, there are actual definitions and there are criteria that you have to meet, and the fact that your boyfriend lied to you twice does not make you traumatized. The other, like outside of relationships, the place that I see it that drives me absolutely mental is all those videos on TikTok and Instagram. I'm so glad TikTok's getting banned hopefully Actually I'm not but part of me is like you know what. Maybe this is a good thing. It's a cesspool of sin out there.
Speaker 2:Is it being banned in France too? No, okay.
Speaker 1:I'm still there. We're here, curious, go ahead. I can still sin.
Speaker 2:I'm still there. Curious Go ahead. I can still sin.
Speaker 1:But the number of videos talking about how we've all got trauma. You know, have you ever thought about why you can't remember your childhood? It's because you experienced trauma and it's your body trying to repress those terrible memories. No, I just got shit memory. I'm just off in my own little world, like that's why I don't remember things. I did not have trauma. There was no childhood trauma. There was no emotional trauma.
Speaker 1:You'll see statistics being thrown around like did you know that if a child, you know, if you meet like 30% of their wants or needs, then like that's enough for them to be a healthy adult, to grow up to be a normal, emotionally functioning adult. That just gets tossed around with like no context and then people will take that and turn it into. So that must mean that you know, if you can't remember your childhood or something like that, then you experience trauma. It's because your parents were only giving you like 10 of your needs. It's like wow, I mean when you, when you say it like that, that sounds horrific but it's not true. It's just it's. It's completely not true. They were all running around, carried unhealed trauma which, by the way, if you ever make t-ex arms, did you know that that's a sign of unhealed childhood trauma.
Speaker 2:Blah.
Speaker 1:Fact. I saw it on Instagram.
Speaker 2:So I, I, I. I'm scared to say this because I know that I am going to get shit from 50% of the therapy world.
Speaker 1:Hot take coming in.
Speaker 2:There is an ongoing battle between therapists. You have psychoanalytic and then you also have behaviorist. I'm more of a behaviorist type person also. Have you know, behaviorist, I'm more of a behaviorist type person. It's kind of the idea of, like, this is a behavior that you're, that you're showing, what do we do about this now? Whereas psychoanalytic will say, okay, I see that let's go back into your childhood, let's see, like, where this behavior comes from and you know, kind of go into that whole aspect. So you'll always hear like psychoanalytics who are saying like, uh, behaviors are are absolute shit. And then you always hear like behaviors who are saying psychoanalytic is absolute shit. But with that being said, you know, this is kind of the problem that I have with that is that A plus B plus C doesn't always equal D in this case.
Speaker 2:There are many other factors, you know, that is going to affect the person, and one of those factors is the person themselves.
Speaker 1:And their childhood trauma that's unresolved so.
Speaker 2:So, just as you said, there are if. If you can't remember your childhood, that means that you had, you know, childhood trauma. Well, okay, or it could just be the fact that you know memory is not a strong suit in this person. You know, whereas you said that memory is not a strong factor for you, but you know language is a extremely strong factor for you, just as memory, like I, can tell you exactly what happened when it happened what you said, and that's a strong factor for me. You exactly what happened when it happened what you said, and that's a strong factor for me. But I've taken three years of spanish wine and all I know is como esta mi yamos, chris and I'm not even sure if I'm yeah, yeah, yeah, but again, yes, that is not my strong suit, as you can plainly tell exactly.
Speaker 1:Everybody's different. And that's not to say that the person who truly experienced childhood trauma might do the little t-rex arms. T-rex arms is one of those that gets thrown around for like childhood trauma, adhd autism, adhd autism probably something else exciting and new that we'll come up with for like that's. That's a symptom of that. It's not to say that just because they have their, you know, they have experienced the childhood, real childhood trauma that they're never going to do. T-rex arms Maybe it's just a comfortable way to sleep. I'm just saying it's hella comfortable. You've never tried it as a lover of doing T-Rex arms, but I don't have childhood trauma. I can say very confidently, despite the fact that I don't remember my childhood that much it's just no, no, there's nothing that needs to be healed. There's nothing that I need to like, figure out. You know. That's why I'm having problems here or there. I feel like people just kind of throw it out there on the internet Cause it sounds cool, right, to talk about like Ooh, talk about like ooh trauma.
Speaker 1:Trauma is big and scary and if you have trauma, then you have an excuse for why you act. Badly is what I often see, not why you do things well, but why you don't do X, y, z, why you can't manage to keep a relationship. Oh, it's because I have trauma. No, you're a needy bitch, sorry, like, and maybe you'll find somebody who's okay with that and like props to you and them for making that work. Like no shame in being who you are, but you don't get to blame that on on trauma, like my last boyfriend or girlfriend didn't give me what I wanted and so like that's why I act this way. Okay, then, you need to figure that out. That's not trauma, though. Again, drama is you went through a terrible, life-threatening event.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And you survived, but maybe not super well. And so now you're like, oh God, yeah, that one also. It appears in so many, so many videos. Thankfully, I have never had anyone close to me claim trauma. Smack the shit out of them if they did.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I concern the fact that I do specialize in trauma actually, the fact that, like I, I do where I do specialize in trauma. Actually, when I see the word trauma, like you know, popped up, I'm just like, oh you motherfucker, like you have no idea, you have not a fucking clue so for all three of these, I think and this is kind of connected to the where do we go from here?
Speaker 1:I'm gonna just drop this in. Then I want to hear what you have to think. I'm going to blame social media for these and say that, like, where we go from here, like it needs to be, we need to crack down on social media, and I get it. You only have like 90 seconds max to explain something, and so 90 seconds that you really have to be concise and like super focused to be like. And so 90 seconds you really have to be concise and super focused to be like. This is what qualifies as trauma. This is what does not qualify as trauma. This is what setting boundaries is, and 90 seconds is not a lot of time to make. A super catchy, exciting draws you in video that explains a concept like this in a way that people are like, oh, got it. And so I think that people turn to being sensationalist, because that's what pushes views as opposed to actually doing the ethical thing and using the words correctly. But I don't know if you have any thoughts about where to go from here.
Speaker 2:I mean, I would say the biggest thing and I agree, like you know, like actually using the words correctly, um, words are words for a reason, you know, and words have definitions for a reason what? And being able to call out people and say like, look, that's, that's not a boundary, that's you know. Like Jonah Hill, yeah.
Speaker 2:That's not a boundary. That's you being the controlling asshole. Yeah, but, but yeah, actually calling people out on this shit and I think that that's the only way is, yeah, unfortunately, like I think it's up to the people to like really educate themselves on what these things mean yeah, and I will say I have seen a lot of chatter about therapy speak.
Speaker 1:I actually listened to a couple different podcasts on it, done by real professionals, so it's definitely something that people are becoming aware of. That's like, oh, you're just like the internet has taken these terms and is misappropriating them, misusing them, like this is not a great thing, and so trying to get the information out there. But, yeah, I think more needs to be done, either to call out people and also for people to you know, like us, to talk about you know what does it actually mean? You know what? What is trauma? What is setting a boundary? And for people to have that information. So, okay, like now, I understand. And so now, when I see somebody misusing that, I can, you know, step back and be like I don't think I actually have unresolved childhood trauma that's causing me to be triggered by everything I see and need, trigger warnings and to set boundaries constantly yeah oh yes, it's our favorite.
Speaker 1:Where do we go from here? Education, I feel like most of ours come down to like the people just gotta know I mean, I mean, and unfortunately that is the hardest thing I know especially in today's world god, I know.
Speaker 1:So on that, uh exciting note, where would you put therapy speak, ie the misuse of terms that actually have a real meaning in therapy, the misuse of them on the internet? In real life, would you say that this is a green potato, it'll make you sick if you eat it, but just scrape off the green part and it's fine? Is this a death cap mushroom 50, 50 chance of death, even if you cook it? Or is this a delicious but deadly last snack of antifreeze?
Speaker 2:delicious but deadly. Last snack of antifreeze I'm going to go with a death cap, a half a cap. Half a death cap, half the death cap.
Speaker 1:I love the fact that we just, you know, make up. We came up with our own system, and then we were like nah.
Speaker 2:But the reason why I kind of say that is that, yes, okay, you know, 98% of it is just people just being stupid, yeah, and then chalking it out to absolute ignorance. The thing is is that those other two percent is something like jonah hill, yeah, like I mean, that's you know if, if, thankfully, the, the, his ex-girlfriend was, saw this as being controlling, but if you don't know what a boundary is, and jonah hill is saying like you know, like this affects me and you know like, uh, this hurts me, and it's just like, okay, well, obviously she's not the girl for you, then yeah you were the one who made that step to her, so you hurt yourself.
Speaker 2:She's not doing anything that she hasn't done before. So that, that's why I do push it up to a death cap as opposed to green potato, is because, yes, there are.
Speaker 2:there are those 2% where or somebody who is saying like you know trauma or something like that, I've been traumatized and you know like yeah you know you might've had a hard time, but if you're really you know I love the expression, tell a lie enough times it becomes the truth. And if you are sitting there and saying I'm traumatized, I'm traumatized, I'm traumatized, you're looking around and you find these things that matches your trauma, traumatization then you know you are going to take on the effect of somebody who's traumatized without being traumatized. Period you traumatized yourself. Yeah, yeah, you basically traumatized without being traumatized. Period he traumatized yourself. Yeah, yeah, you basically traumatized yourself it's not.
Speaker 1:I'm laughing, it's not funny, but like, yeah, I, I would agree that I think this is a low death cap mushroom. I'm not quite sure it's a full-on death cap mushroom and 50 50 chance of death like, but it's more than a green potato, because I think people hurt themselves a lot with this. This is not so much you're hurting other people, but when you create this little bubble around yourself where you're like, oh, I have this unhealed childhood trauma and it's really affecting me and that's why I can't, you know, having problems with relationships and with friendships and with everything in my life and everything is triggering me, yeah, you are creating, you are making that your reality and that's a sad reality to live in where you need a trigger warning for everything, because everything stresses you out. You know you've never actually experienced sexual assault, but you know you can't read about you. You need that trigger warning because, oh, my God, this is, this is really really scary. And it's not just the one thing, it's for blood, it's for gore, it's for just anything outside of, like, your comfort zone. You're making your comfort zone smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller, because now you know you've completely cut that off, like you don't see anything that you don't like, and so as soon as, like that one little thing comes in, you don't have the ability to deal with it, and then you have a complete meltdown. You're like I'm traumatized. Yeah, you may actually be at this point because you did this to yourself and so I would.
Speaker 1:I would actually think it's more than just like 2% of people. I don't think that most people go to that extreme, obviously, but when I think about the sheer prevalence of this stuff that I see on the internet, it's, it's gotta be having an effect, and even even to the point like. You know what happened with my friend. She and her sister are not on speaking terms at the moment, not just because of that one of it, because of other events too. Is that? Because one of them kind of started to be like no, you know, we need to do this, we need to do that.
Speaker 1:Like I'm setting these boundaries and like using this therapy, speak that that has created like a huge rift between them, because it made things really uncomfortable and sister refused to work with it and my friend was like what am I supposed to work with here? I don't know how I would love to, but like I have nothing to work with here. I don't know how I would love to, but, like I, I have nothing to work with here. So I think it's more than two percent. I know we just had a private chat the other day about people who are like, oh my god, this is like the biggest thing in my life, is it? Is it really that bad? I would say probably, I don't know a little bit more. Five.
Speaker 2:I would say yeah, I would say probably like 10 and then maybe yeah maybe like kind of scatters into, like you know, uh 15, where it's not as bad.
Speaker 1:So exactly, people have kind of picked up yeah yeah, but yeah, that's why I'm putting it somewhere in the death cap much low death cap, mushroom territories. It's like it can have nasty consequences, mainly for you. If you overuse these terms without understanding what they are, you're cheapening the experience for yourself and for others. But is it going to kill you? Probably not.
Speaker 1:It's just going to make your life really shitty yeah so if you have ever experienced trauma or you've been triggered by something or you would like to set a boundary with us, you can write to us at toxic, at awesome life skillscom, or you can write to us on any of our social medias, which you should be following already. We are on Facebook, we're on X, we're on Instagram, we're on threads, we're on TikTok, maybe not too much longer yeah. I was like, oh, there's a fifth one, is there?
Speaker 2:see this.
Speaker 1:I need to get TikTok to be banned. I can only remember four things at one time. You can let us know there. Also, if you have any ideas for upcoming episodes, we'd love to hear them. Until next time, this has been the toxic cooking show. Bye.
Speaker 2:Bye.
