Toxic Cooking Show

Unmasking the Tactics of Negging: Navigating Manipulation in Relationships

Christopher D Patchet, LCSW Lindsay McClane Season 1 Episode 26

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Discover the insidious tactics of negging and how they can quietly poison social interactions, as Lindsay McClain and Christopher Patchet, LCSW, unpacks this sneaky form of manipulation. We promise you'll walk away with a sharper understanding of how backhanded compliments are used to undermine confidence, masquerading as playful banter. Together, we dissect the origins of negging in pickup artist culture and explore its implications in romantic and platonic relationships alike.

Through engaging stories and insightful reflections, we cast a critical eye on the power dynamics at play when relationships are treated as games. Negging isn’t just a harmless joke—it's a calculated move that often leaves its targets feeling devalued, all under the guise of sarcasm or humor. Our conversation challenges the toxicity of such behaviors and champions the importance of mutual respect and authentic connection over manipulative tactics.

Turning our focus to friendships, we explore how humor and trust can coexist without crossing into hurtful territory. Through personal anecdotes and in-depth discussions, we highlight the fine line between healthy teasing and the damaging effects of negging. Together with Christopher, we stress the value of sincerity in interactions and the ease with which toxic behaviors can be recognized and addressed. By listening, you’ll gain tools to foster genuine connections and reject the subtle toxicity that negging brings to the table.

Speaker 1:

Hi and welcome to the Toxic Cooking Show, where we break down toxic people into their simplest ingredients. I'm your host for this week, lindsay McLean, and with me Christopher Patchett, LCSW. So before we started, I told you the name of this episode and you were very confused. It's great.

Speaker 2:

We're confused and still confused, Still confused.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so you didn't take the break to like go Google it.

Speaker 2:

No, no, I have not Googled this.

Speaker 1:

Excellent, I think you're going to like this one. Maybe like is the wrong word. I think you'll be interested in it. So negging, the verb is to neg and it comes from this idea of negative feedback. It's actually a pickup artist term which already should kind of clue you in to a little bit about how you should be feeling about this. Okay.

Speaker 2:

Negative feedback pickup artist term.

Speaker 1:

Uh-huh. So this is when you deliberately make a backhanded compliment or flirty remark with the goal of undermining the other person's confidence okay, okay, I I'm I'm curious to hear of, of examples and things oh, oh yeah.

Speaker 1:

We've got some great ones on here, so you can. The term has existed for quite a while. The idea has existed for a while, certainly on urban, my favorite place to go. It goes back to 2009. But we find actually uses of it. Earlier In your episode on the alpha male, was it not Richard Strauss that you spoke about? That name sounded familiar.

Speaker 2:

He was the, uh, the guy who wrote for the times Yep.

Speaker 1:

Yep, he, he's back again. I saw this name and I'm looking at him like it's this fucker, isn't it? Uh, so yes, he says about this term that the purpose is not to insult, it's rather to quote unquote, take yourself out of the game. But then he goes on to say and this is a direct quote from his 2004 new york times article. He says quote neither a compliment nor an insult. A neg holds two purposes to momentarily lower a woman's self-esteem and to suggest an intriguing disinterest. And his example that he gives within this quote is nice nails Are they real? No, oh, they look nice anyway.

Speaker 2:

Okay, okay, yeah.

Speaker 1:

Okay, okay. So I'm already like just with that little bit, with that one one person, we've got two different kind of ways that we're going. So on the one hand he's like oh it's, it's not to like put you down, it's just to take myself out of the game, which I get from the pickup artist perspective that you cannot just walk away from the game Like a normal person would and be like hey, I'm actually not that interested in you like away. You have to do something to like take yourself out. Um, but as a human being, I think that's a really shitty way to to deal with anything so okay.

Speaker 2:

So I'm curious why do you say that you understand that a person can't just say I'm not interested?

Speaker 1:

I'm saying from the pickup artist perspective. Okay okay.

Speaker 1:

From like a regular, human, normal person perspective, you do just walk away if you're not interested, or you say like hey, it's been nice chatting, like bye, and you walk away. But from the pickup artist perspective of this is a game and I am having to kind of play this game then that you have to. You know you've built yourself up and now you need to like oop, eject out I theoretically can see why you have to have something. What I don't understand, though I mean, which is why you know part of why this has appeared as an episode is then that second part where he goes on to say it's like your whole point is lowering her confidence and her self-esteem, like it's not just ejecting yourself. You are hurting her and ejecting yourself and like boosting your own confidence in a little way, and that's gross.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that's pretty shitty yeah.

Speaker 1:

Yes, it is. Some other great examples are you know, oh, you're smarter than you look, or you're funny for a girl, we've all heard this type of thing before. Or we, we've all heard this type of thing before, or we've seen it. And there's a lot of overlap here. And that's part of what makes it kind of hard to define and hard to like, really call people out for this is that between negging and joking and banter and sarcasm they overlap to a certain extent, you know, but there are some differences, because joking we're both ha haing.

Speaker 1:

If you tell a joke, everyone should be laughing here. There's not just like a one, like I'm laughing and you're not, and you're like am I supposed to laugh Because I don't feel super great. You know that's, that's a bad joke If only one person's laughing With banter. You know, everyone needs to be in on the takedown. So, for instance, I have a friend who's British and when she and I were teaching together in Moscow it was around July and we were coming up on July, it was in June, and so we kind of started this thing jokingly.

Speaker 1:

We should be like fuck the US. I was like fuck the UK, I didn't like your tea anyway, and we would go back and forth, but it was never a. I actually felt offended, like she doesn't like me because of my country, and you know that, because we're friends and so we can have that rapport and we can have that banter and we can say horrible, horrible things to each other, but everyone is on the same page and it's not being used to put somebody else down while building yourself up. You're not trying to like mess with the playing field. I'm just expressing a fact that their tea was shit, and that's why we threw it in the harbor. You know, that's the way it was, and sarcasm, too, has a lot of overlap with negging.

Speaker 1:

Sarcasm is a lot closer, and I think this is where it's that very, very thin line. Um again. To me the difference, though, is that negging, as they point out, you are trying to lower the other person's self-esteem, and sarcasm doesn't necessarily intend to do that. Sarcasm is just pointing out that you're real fucking dumb, but you're not intentionally trying to lower them, and you're not trying to take yourself out of the game. You're not trying to make yourself appear more interesting when you use sarcasm.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I, I, I'm already not liking where this is going, Considering the fact that, okay, you know, the first thing that kind of comes to my mind is that if you're taking yourself out of the game, just take yourself out of the fucking game.

Speaker 1:

Right, just that there doesn't need to be no playing.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I don't like it from the picker, pickup artist perspective and I definitely don't like it from the I'm not a pickup artist, I'm just using this perspective, because then it's just fucking manipulation. I mean, they're both in manipulation. But if you as a regular person are doing this and you're doing it knowingly, you are a terrible, terrible person, because there's no reason to make backhanded compliments, there's no reason to try and manipulate someone unless you have like ill intentions. There, just there isn't. But when it comes to like manipulation, and again with negging, because negging is again essentially a backhanded compliment at its most basic form, there were, there have been, studies that were done on this, of course there were so glad for science, and so in one of them they had participants choose between a regular compliment and a backhanded compliment when they wanted to convey status, and 81% of participants chose a backhanded compliment to convey status.

Speaker 2:

Okay.

Speaker 1:

You're you're building, you're building yourself up by taking the other person down. This has never failed.

Speaker 1:

It's just growth altogether Like it is, it is, and I I get it. You know we all use humor to kind of cope with things. And in that same vein, this same research project, they did a couple studies within it. They found that people tended to use the backhanded compliments to also serve as a shield when they felt that their own status was threatened. So, instead of addressing the problems within and going to a therapist I know a great one, if anyone would like it.

Speaker 1:

By the way, not naming any names, but you know, these are the type of people who, instead of like doing the internal work on themselves and feeling better about themselves, they take out their anger and their negative feelings on people around them by making this, and you definitely see this in dating. I think you're going to see this in um. You see this with guys online all the time, like the nasty fucking comments they'll leave on instagram and stuff like that was just like, yeah, you feel threatened, you feel like hurt and you feel unsecure or insecure, and so you're gonna go after this woman to try and take her down a couple notches.

Speaker 1:

It's beautiful it's not so the last little fun bit about manipulation and all of this, it's like, okay, fine, you're trying to build yourself up, take the other person down. But going back to what we learned about the whole, it's to lower women's self-esteem and suggest an intriguing disinterest. That actually does work short term. Actually does work short term. There was a study done in 1965 that found that when somebody feels quote-unquote, like low potential romantic partners are more attractive to them, like they're in a position where they may like kind of jump at everything short term. So negging definitely preys on.

Speaker 1:

This I think was like it puts you in a bad spot. But then you're interested, like this person is quote-unquote interested in you, right, because they've sort of given you a compliment. They said you were funny for a girl. But they did say you were funny and so it. It pulls people in in the short term where they may want to get more of this, but long term both parties will be unsatisfied see, now I'm I'm trying to think, like you know, like okay, if you are lowering the other person's status yeah is it more the idea that they become interested because now they feel below?

Speaker 2:

and here's a person of higher status.

Speaker 1:

That's what I understood it to be is that you have dropped their status, but yours is now. Yours is still up there, and so you now appear more interesting. There are a lot of air quotes going on right now. I just want everyone to know you are quote unquote more interesting because you have that higher status and you are showing interest in them.

Speaker 2:

So isn't that kind of like counterintuitive, where if you're trying to drop out of the game, but yet you're now trying to make yourself more appealing?

Speaker 1:

Exactly, exactly. It doesn't make sense this whole. You can't have both. I think. Personally, you can't be like, oh, this is a way to take myself out of the game and then be like this is a way to like hurt somebody and make myself feel better. You don't get to have all three Again. Fucking pick up artist man. We already knew this guy was shit from before. We should not be surprised. Also, I mean that example that he gave the nice nails are they real? No, oh, they look nice anyway. So fucking nasty, like it is so slimy to say that to somebody.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that's pretty slimy.

Speaker 1:

So yeah, it doesn't work is the short version of all of that. It's like long-term anyway, you may get some interest like from the person, but if you are going through life using this as a tool to try and get women and I I do specifically say women here it can go between any and all genders, like it's not set one way.

Speaker 2:

we do tend to see a lot of it as men negging women there was a movie that I absolutely love, and I mean it keeps on reappearing in my head. It's called Coffee Town.

Speaker 1:

Uh-huh, I don't know it you gotta see it.

Speaker 2:

It's funny as hell, okay. But one of the guys in the in the movie he's he's a cop, so he uses, like you know, like his police as being like the, the kind of capture, the, the girl and type thing, and so when he's out in public, you know, like at a bar or something like that, he's not in uniform, you know his thing is that, you know. So you know they were showing him saying, like you know, like, talking to a girl and he's like you know, like hey, like you know, like, wouldn't join me for a drink. What would you like? Like a bud light, you know something with less calories, and then kind of going off of like you know, like, do you want me to grab you like a strong chair? Like you know, do you think that that chair is going to be able to hold you? So like yeah, you know, like kind of lowering the girl's self-esteem.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, but the specific part with negging is that it's wrapped in a compliment. It's not just the like oh you know, do you want me to get you a bigger chair? Like do you think you can fit on that one? You would find a way to somehow like semi-compliment her for, like wow, you know, you look like a big, strong woman. Like can I, can I get you a chair? Like do you think that chair is big enough? I'm sure that you could find like a nastier way to say it. Um, but it's that.

Speaker 1:

That is what makes it so disgusting is that it's not just an insult, it's not just like the sarcasm. It's wrapped up in this compliment. So the other person is kind of momentarily thrown off guard, like well, they said something nice. Like they said I was pretty, they said my nails were nice, but like I don't feel good. It's not like, oh my god, girl, I love your nails. You're like thanks, it's that kind of you feel weird afterwards. So I don't think that was a real compliment. Like I think you were just saying something really, really shitty to me. But it's hard to confront the person because it was not like a direct insult.

Speaker 2:

Gotcha. Yeah, that's you know. Again, again, it is to me it's just like you know, like you know why, you know why you know. That's the biggest thing that kind of comes to my head is that you know you're now leaving this person with. You know quote, unquote a lower status, just because you feigned interest.

Speaker 1:

I would say that for men. I don't know about women using it for other women, women using it for men, but I think men doing it to women it's a power play. It's the same reason why you have dudes on the street who cat call you dudes, who like make nasty as they drive by, they'll just like shout something disgusting out the window. I think this is the whole. This is part of that too. It's that power play where they know that there's some skinny ass little shithead who doesn't stand a chance and they can't do anything about that other than to, at the very least, knock you down. They'll just like straight up, insult you or maybe, if they're a little bit smarter, then they get into nagging where they're like okay, I can really take you down because I can say nice things, but they're not nice.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I mean, I think it's also, too, this comes from the whole pickup artist community, and I'm not saying the whole pickup artist community is toxic, but I kind of am. I don't think it's great. Uh, the idea of like making it a game to try and meet people and play up the attention and all of that, and certainly what we saw with like the whole alpha males, that's hella toxic. I think negging is less toxic than that, but it's still weird.

Speaker 2:

And the fact that this community has created it and it's like, yes, this is a thing that we do, like this is an art I mean, I, I would actually go like even a step further, saying that the whole idea of pickup artists as a whole, um is, is absolutely toxic, just because of the fact that, yeah, just as you said, it's a game, you know you're leading somebody to believe that you want something and then turning around and just being like, no, I just went to sex.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's, yeah, no, it's manipulation at its finest and we don't stand for that here. So the final kind of point with negging which is why it has also appeared on this show in terms of toxicity, is that, as we've kind of said, it's really hard to nail down sometimes. Hard to nail down sometimes, because when you look online, when you're trying to find examples, you can find some that I think are pretty obvious, like the oh, you're smarter than you look one. Well, that's a pretty obvious slap in the face.

Speaker 1:

If somebody said that to me, I would not take that as a compliment. Like that is full on an insult. But I think there are a lot more. They're just a little bit more insidious, um, and when you confront somebody, they can very, very easily just play it off as oh, it was just sarcasm, like you don't understand, oh, it was just joking, um. And so you find all of these articles of like how to tell if you're being nagged, which I feel like whenever I see that word, I feel like I'm reading an article that's written in generation alpha speak with like ohio skibbity riz toilet.

Speaker 2:

that's what I feel like when I see the word nag, even though it's not a gen alpha term so I mean, you know, if the guy is playing off, like you know, like why can't I take it? Or why can't you just take it as a joke, like yeah, you know, uh, if they're, if they're around a other group of people, now that that's even belittling them that much more yeah, it is, and I think what makes joking and banter um and a lesser extent sarcasm, like what makes them okay, is that again, everyone is in on this.

Speaker 1:

We're all here, we're all on the same side, we're all laughing at ourselves, confused. They were just like do you guys hate each other? Because at one point I'd written like god bless the usa on the board and she had come in and changed. It was like god bless the queen, rip um. And they were just like, uh, I don't know like how we're supposed to feel, and I was like no, no, we're on the same side.

Speaker 1:

I don't actually think these things and she doesn't actually think these things. Like, we are friends, we live in the same house, everything is good and that's what makes it okay and fun. But I think you have to build up a certain level of trust to get there. Like I have another friend who can call me fat. She's the only person who can call me fat because it's a joke and we have this joke and it's okay. But you wouldn't just like start that off on day one and be like hey, as a joke, can I call you fat? And that should be your clue in. I think that's just like. Are we all laughing? Are we all having fun? Is this a friend? Because you and I can be mean to each other.

Speaker 2:

Oh sweet, listen here bitch Example A I can be mean to each other.

Speaker 1:

Oh sweet, listen here, bitch, example a you're just waiting for that. But you know we've also known each other for 10 plus years at this point.

Speaker 1:

So like there's that certain level of respect and you know the person and you can trust them and this feels okay and we can also go to each other and if, for whatever reason, one person says something it's like I, I kind of don't like it, don't like that joke, the other person can can take it and I think sometimes people may just jump a little too quickly into you know joking and banter sometimes and then it can come across as negging Plus. Then you have the actual fuckers who are negging you. I'm just curious, like have you ever seen this? Because again, it can go both ways, like between genders, but I've really struggled to find examples of women doing it to men.

Speaker 2:

There have to be I mean, I I've never seen this played out as far as like a dating type thing. I've seen things and and it's funny because like it wasn't until I was in the conference uh, that that I really like made me like think about this. Is you know something along the lines of, like you know, like your hair looks very beautiful, like you don't see a lot of black women doing that?

Speaker 1:

yeah, there we go that. That's a beautiful one in a not beautiful way. So yeah, your, there we go, that's a beautiful one In a not beautiful way.

Speaker 2:

So yeah, your hair looks beautiful, nice compliment, stop there.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, just stop. We only compliment. Nothing else needs to be said. But it struck me that you're right. That is actually a great example of one of the ones that's like it's not necessarily dating, but it's the I'm giving you a compliment. That's actually like wrapped around shit on the inside. You're like that's not very nice. How would you feel if somebody said this to you? So I think it's, it's a, it's a pretty shitty thing and I'm glad that there is not. Doesn't seem to be like a really popular thing to do. Like people don't seem to be like setting out to neg somebody.

Speaker 1:

As I was searching for this, you find a lot of articles. You know again, how do you know if you're being negged and what is negging. But I thankfully did not find a lot of articles. You know again, how do you know if you're being negged and what is negging. But I thankfully did not find a lot of examples of groups of men talking about it and being like right, okay, we're going to go out and do this. Like I've never seen it specifically associated with incels, which I was actually kind of surprised Because when I found out I was like oh, this will be right up their territory and maybe they do do it, and they just don't explicitly give it that name, though.

Speaker 2:

If I caught on to a guy doing that like to another girl or something like that, I mean to me it would actually probably build or tear his status down.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Considering the fact that he had to go that extra mile. So I mean, I think that okay, unless you're around a group of guys who are absolute douches, then you're kind of taking a chance of your own status. And if the whole goal is to build your status while knocking down her status, and you're around a group of guys who are even if you're hanging out with five of your friends and two of them are normal people, then the other two are gonna be like that was kind of fucked up that is a perfect segue into where do we go from here.

Speaker 1:

You built on part of what I was going to say, which was very rude, but you're right. I mean that is part of the whole thing is that if you have that group of people like, and you have some people who don't agree with it, your status is going to go lower. To my mind, that is the perfect opportunity to call them out, as we've spoken about before, like, when you see shitty behavior, you need to call out that shitty behavior so that it stops and people know that it's not okay, because I do think that sometimes people may not quite fully realize, like, how bad something sounds when it's that kind of in between line, like is this full on negging or is this just like a little too much sarcasm and banter? And I think having an awareness and being willing to call out people and be like yo man that's fucked up to say, or kind of backing them up, and being like I man that's fucked up to say, or kind of backing them up and being like, I don't think that was really nice If your friend ever comes to you and says something along the lines of like oh yeah, he complimented me.

Speaker 1:

He said this, this and this, like full on, call that out. That's not a compliment, that's not a nice thing and, as you said, in that way you don't even get the boost of confidence and social status. When you say the shit thing to someone, it's just like well, now you tore them down and everyone cares more about them than about you. But that requires, I think, people being willing to step forward and call somebody out and willing to be careful and watch what they say so that they don't accidentally to identify, like if they're doing that themselves, um, and to make sure that they don't also fall into that category. But I don't know, maybe you have other ideas I mean I?

Speaker 2:

I think that that's probably why this is not as popular as like some of the other types of traits that we've seen.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Cause it's really easy to be like dude, that's fucked up, come on, yeah, rather than, like you know, like calling out on we've talked about where calling out on predatory behavior and and things like that where it's like you, the the other person's being much more aggressive. So if they're showing that much aggression to the other person, how much aggression are they going to show me as a bystander, trying to step in and being like yo dude, knock that fucking shit off.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

And so I mean, since it is very light aggression, it's easier for again, you know, even if you're in a group of five people and two of them are normal, like it's going to be like come on, dude, that's fucked up.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and I would hope that people would. Unfortunately, as we've seen, people often don't, and I think it all comes back to that. You feel really awkward. You hear them say that and you're like that was a horrific thing to say. But if it's said really quickly, like, especially if it's just that, like in the past, you know you're funny for a girl, it can be like the conversation can move too quickly before you can be like wait, hold on. Can we go back to what you said three sentences ago? Cause I didn't like that, Like it does require you to act quickly. I also think that, in fairness, a lot of this is happening kind of one-on-one, Like. It's not necessarily happening in front of bigger groups, but it's like, oh, you know, you go on a date with somebody and you know, instead of just giving her a nice compliment, you're like wow, I like your nails, which I hope you like mine. You've seen all episode.

Speaker 2:

Pretty.

Speaker 1:

See, now that's not an actual compliment, but I'm going to take it as well. You're trying.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, but the thing is, though, is that I'm not trying to get with you.

Speaker 1:

This is true. You're not trying to get with me, you're not trying to take me down and you're not trying to take yourself out of the game.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, there's no game to take myself out of.

Speaker 1:

Exactly, you're just like, oh God, she's got the sparkly shit on her nails again. Fantastic Moving on. Yes, man, you don't appreciate the finer things in life, like nice nail polish. Man, you don't appreciate the finer things in life like nice nail polish.

Speaker 1:

So on our delightful scale of toxicity, where would you rate Negging? Do you think that this is a green potato? It will make you kind of sick if you eat it, but also you should know not to. And if you just chop off the green part, actually you can still eat the rest of the potato. Is this a death cap mushroom where you have a 50-50 chance of survival or dying even if it's been cooked? Or is this everyone's favorite and delicious but deadly last meal, antifreeze.

Speaker 2:

I would have to say. I mean, I would say green potato is not common and it's very easy to kind of put down term of it how you were kind of saying that like even it, you know even even the goal of them feigning more interest in you is very short term, uh, so it's not something that is going to linger. Um, I would definitely.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I would put this as a green potato I would agree with you that it's a green potato, because while all of these articles online were like, how do you know? To me, again, it was very clear when it's like what is real compliment and what is fake compliment and if it's fake compliment and you feel bad, then it's probably negging and you should definitely absolutely run from that person, Like it should be. With very minimal thought processes, you should be able to feel it pretty quickly. Like again, if somebody said you're smarter than you, look to me that instantly is like I don't like that. That's not a compliment.

Speaker 2:

That's not good.

Speaker 1:

Like I don't want to hang out with you anymore, like this date is done, and so I think that it should be fairly easy to spot. It just kind of relies on people who are in a position to be able to say, like you know what, nope, I have like really, really low self-esteem, and so all they can see is the compliment, and they get focused on that and go along with the rest of it, which is really unfortunate. Again, I would highly suggest seeing a therapist whose name is perhaps, uh, patchett, mr patchett.

Speaker 2:

If you're in Pennsylvania, if you're in Pennsylvania, of course.

Speaker 1:

So, yeah, I think it's a green potato. It's bad. I think it can lead to other gross behaviors as well, because if you're doing this, I'm sure you are not a fine, upstanding person, but it's also spottable. Spable is that a good english word?

Speaker 2:

it is now yeah, well, you judges.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, we'll take it great fantastic and it's easy to treat. As you said, too, that you can. If you see somebody doing, you can really quickly call them out and be like you don't say that, um, and as the person who gets it, you quickly call them out and be like you don't say that, and, as the person who gets it, you can call it out and be like, nope, not doing that today. So if you have ever experienced negging, or if you've seen it and you have any other great examples that you think we should know, you can always write to us on any of our social medias, which we are always on top of updating.

Speaker 1:

We are never not online updating those. We are on Facebook, we are on Instagram, we are on X slash Twitter, we are on threads. I think that's it for social media.

Speaker 2:

TikTok.

Speaker 1:

TikTok. We are on TikTok, some form of the Toxic Cooking Show, and, of course, if you are old and can't figure out any of those, you can always write to us email. We are toxic. At awesomelifeskillscom. We love to hear from you there. We love to hear from you on Spotify, apple, wherever you guys are listening. Leave wherever you guys are listening. Leave us a rating, leave us a comment. It always helps the podcast out.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:

That's been it for this week. We will see you guys next week with another fun episode.

Speaker 2:

Bye, bye, thank you.

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